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Humor* is often the result of an unusual or unexpected cognitive experience that provokes laughter, provides amusement and helps us to deal with the normal day to day routine. *The incongruity theory suggests that humor arises when logic and familiarity are challenged by unexpected events and images. Such as things that are bizarre, unexpected, surprising, outside of the social norm, or simply weird.
The Smith-Ferguson Family
From time to time, we all get some funny emails.  Most are deleted shortly after reading, while some are saved.  A very few, for whatever reason, resonate with  us.    Here are some of our favorites!

Second Opinion

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked.

“Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.  A bartender cured me for $10.00.  I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

 

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.  Ain't nobody under there now.”

It's always better to get a second opinion.

Coffee Time

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker .

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people  I never liked,the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Hospital Charts

The following is an assortment of unusual "documentation" that has appeared on Hospital Charts

  • She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  • On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
  • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  • The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
  • Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
  • Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  • The patient refused autopsy.
  • The patient has no previous history of suicides.
  • Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
  • Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
  • Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
  • Lab tests indicated abnormal lover function.
  • The skin was moist and dry.
  • Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
  • Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  • Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. [OUCH!!]
  • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
  • I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
  • Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
  • The patient fainted and her eyes rolled around the room.
  • Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
  • Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
  • The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
  • Skin: somewhat pale but present.
  • The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
  • Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
  • The patient complained that he blacked out while experiencing sink-a-pee
  • The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
  • Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
  • Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
  • The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

Knick-Knack

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation. Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can us as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into the back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

....dramatic pause....

(Don't be mad if you didn't see it coming...)

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

The Pillsbury Doughboy

In memoriam:Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died today in Minneapolis of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not regarded as a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and served as a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 min.

If you smiled while reading this, please rise to the occasion and pass it on to someone having a crumby day and kneading a lift.

Holiday Driving

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

mlsmith.us

Musical Humor

Q&A

"When I grow up, I want to be a musician."
"No, honey, you can't do both."

"What is the difference between a savings bond and a musician?"
"The savings bond matures and usually earns money."

"How do you know that a vocalist is at your front door?"
"He forgot the key and doesn't know when to come in."

"How do you get a lead guitarist in the band to stop playing?"
"You put sheet music in front of him."

"What do you call someone who hangs out with a group of musicians?"
"A drummer."

A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor askes the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"

A note left for a pianist from his wife: Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet.

Q - Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
A - Because he's Haydn.

Q - What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A - A pair of Re-Bachs.

Q - What happens when you play a Country song backwards?
A - You get your Dog back, you get your girl back, you get your truck back....

Computer Humor

Quotes

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

All computers wait at the same speed.

Definitions:

Computer: If you can pick it up, it's a PC.
If you can't pick it up but you can push it over, it's a minicomputer.
But when you can't pick it up or knock it over, it's a mainframe.

PTF - Probably This Fixes
IBM - It's Better Manually
IBM - I've Been Mislead
SMS - System Mangled Storage
MVS - Man VS System
Hardware - The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Q&A:

How was Herman Hollerith buried?
9 edge face down.

How does a Systems Programmer screw in a lightbulb?
He holds it into the socket and waits for the world to revolve round him.

What is the diference between Hardware and Software?
Hardware will eventually break while Software will eventually work.

Humor* is often the result of an unusual or unexpected cognitive experience that provokes laughter, provides amusement and helps us to deal with the normal day to day routine. *The incongruity theory suggests that humor arises when logic and familiarity are challenged by unexpected events and images. Such as things that are bizarre, unexpected, surprising, outside of the social norm, or simply weird.
From time to time, we all get some funny emails.  Most are deleted shortly after reading, while some are saved.  A very few, for whatever reason, resonate with  us.    Here are some of our favorites!

Second Opinion

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

   “How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

   Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked.

   “Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.  A bartender cured me for $10.00.  I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”

   “Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

 

  “He told me to cut the legs off the bed.  Ain't nobody under there now.”

   It's always better to get a second opinion.



Coffee Time

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker .

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people  I never liked,the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Hospital Charts

The following is an assortment of unusual "documentation" that has appeared on Hospital Charts

  • She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  • On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
  • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  • The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
  • Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
  • Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  • The patient refused autopsy.
  • The patient has no previous history of suicides.
  • Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
  • Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
  • Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
  • Lab tests indicated abnormal lover function.
  • The skin was moist and dry.
  • Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
  • Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  • Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. [OUCH!!]
  • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
  • I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
  • Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
  • The patient fainted and her eyes rolled around the room.
  • Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
  • Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
  • The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
  • Skin: somewhat pale but present.
  • The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
  • Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
  • The patient complained that he blacked out while experiencing sink-a-pee
  • The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
  • Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
  • Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
  • The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

Knick-Knack

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation. Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can us as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into the back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

....dramatic pause....

(Don't be mad if you didn't see it coming...)

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

The Pillsbury Doughboy

In memoriam:Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died today in Minneapolis of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not regarded as a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and served as a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 min.

If you smiled while reading this, please rise to the occasion and pass it on to someone having a crumby day and kneading a lift.

Computer Humor

Quotes

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

All computers wait at the same speed.

Definitions:

Computer: If you can pick it up, it's a PC.
If you can't pick it up but you can push it over, it's a minicomputer.
But when you can't pick it up or knock it over, it's a mainframe.

PTF - Probably This Fixes
IBM - It's Better Manually
IBM - I've Been Mislead
SMS - System Mangled Storage
MVS - Man VS System
Hardware - The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Q&A:

How was Herman Hollerith buried?
9 edge face down.

How does a Systems Programmer screw in a lightbulb?
He holds it into the socket and waits for the world to revolve round him.

What is the diference between Hardware and Software?
Hardware will eventually break while Software will eventually work.

Musical Humor

Q&A

"When I grow up, I want to be a musician."
"No, honey, you can't do both."

"What is the difference between a savings bond and a musician?"
"The savings bond matures and usually earns money."

"How do you know that a vocalist is at your front door?"
"He forgot the key and doesn't know when to come in."

"How do you get a lead guitarist in the band to stop playing?"
"You put sheet music in front of him."

"What do you call someone who hangs out with a group of musicians?"
"A drummer."

A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor askes the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"

A note left for a pianist from his wife: Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet.

Q - Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
A - Because he's Haydn.

Q - What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A - A pair of Re-Bachs.

Q - What happens when you play a Country song backwards?
A - You get your Dog back, you get your girl back, you get your truck back....

The Smith-Ferguson Family
mlsmith.us